


Blocking the Voices Inside My Head

by Towaneko



Series: Insanity [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Coma, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt!Steve, Open Ending, Violence, hurt!Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 13:44:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6286948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Towaneko/pseuds/Towaneko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From a prompt given to me on tumblr by <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/pseuds/syriala">syriala</a> </p><p><sup> Bucky still loses himself to the Winter Soldier sometimes and the Soldier's mission is to kill Steve and Tony. So far the team was always there to stop him but not this time. This time Bucky wakes up restrained in a cell only for Natasha to tell him that the doctors are not sure if Tony will wake up again and that Steve is still healing, though it has been two days. Bucky was never sure he could escape the Soldier but he knows he will never be rid of this guilt no matter the outcome. He refuses to leave the cell, but demands updates on Tony, just to torture him further since nothing is changing. </sup> </p><p>It's not exact but I hope you enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blocking the Voices Inside My Head

**Author's Note:**

  * For [syriala](https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/gifts).



Bucky makes it to the tower three months after escaping from Hydra.

One week after that he manages to let Tony look at his arm. 

He doesn’t know what happens, one moment Tony is replacing the wires in his wrist the next. Clint is standing protectively in front of Tony who has blood gushing from his nose. 

Two days later and he loses time while sparring with Steve, only to come back to himself when Natasha shocks him with her Widow Bites. Steve had been pinned to the floor with his metal arm. 

The blood from his split lip dried in between the grooves of Bucky’s finger joints. Later he scrubs at it until the sponge he is using starts to come apart. 

The incidents don’t stop. 

Steve gets a cut right above his eyebrow. Tony has to wear a wrist brace for a week. Both are sporting hand shaped bruises on their necks. 

He’s a danger to the both of them. Hydra’s last orders echoing in his mind. 

Destroy Captain America. Destroy Iron Man. Eliminate the threat to HYDRA. HAIL HYDRA!

He tries to leave the tower but Steve and Tony are waiting for him and march him right back in. 

“If you really want to leave, we’ll let you. Just hear us out first.” Steve has his shield attached to his back, he’s prepared to protect himself, so Bucky lets him guide him to the couch. 

Tony plops down next to Bucky, causing the assassin to flinch and try to move away before he spots the bracelets. It’s a small comfort. Then knowing the genius will only scoot closer if he moves away he stays. 

“I’m a danger to the both of you.” 

Tony starts twisting the bracelets around his wrists, a nervous tick that Bucky is well aware of. 

“Really Buckster it’s not you that’s a danger. It’s the orders inside of your head.” 

For a moment Bucky can’t speak beyond the slight panic he can feel rising in his chest. 

“The orders are a part of me. Even if I don’t want to follow them, they come back.” 

He can’t speak anymore. The Asset always follows orders.

_DO NOT DISOBEY HYDRA!_

“Bucky, are you okay?”

Steve puts a hand on his shoulder but he doesn’t feel it. 

_Destroy Captain America._

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” 

_Destroy Iron Man._

“Steve move!” 

_Eliminate the threat to HYDRA._

“TONY!” 

_HAIL HYDRA!_

~~~ 

When Bucky comes to, he's inside a glass room. He arms shackled together with chains and manacles that go from his wrists to his elbows. 

His head is pounding and his vision is borderline blurry. 

Shaking his head he tries to focus enough to study his surroundings. Everything is white—the floor, the ceiling, the walls beyond the glass. 

Bucky feels like he knows what room this is but he can’t concentrate. Thoughts are jumbled and something, he can’t figure out what, is curled up in the back of his head. 

He’s not sure he wants to figure out what it is. 

He struggles against his bindings but to no avail. All he ends up doing is hitting his already throbbing head against the floor. 

Time passes, he’s not sure how much. Bucky just lays on the floor. Memories of the one time he disobeyed Hydra starting to replay in his mind. 

The sound of a door sliding open startles him and he’s on his knees in a flash. 

Natasha enters the room, her hair looking like fire in the white room. 

“Natasha?” 

She stops just short of the glass, her face unreadable. Bucky shifts under her gaze unsure.

“Natasha, what happened?” 

“You tell me.” 

Bucky flinches at her words. She had never spoken to him so coldly before, not since he was—

“Steve? Tony?” 

He had been trying to leave the tower. Hydra’s orders on repeat in his mind. Steve and Tony had stopped him, wanting to talk. Then, after that he can’t remember. He looks up and this time Natasha is not even looking at him. 

“I hurt them. I hurt them, didn’t I?” When she doesn’t answer. “Tell me! I need to know!” 

Natasha look at him this time the distress is clearly displayed on her face. 

“Steve has multiple broken bones.” Bucky gives a sharp inhale. “His right arm is unusable. The left side of his face is completely swollen. Two stab wounds to the stomach are the worst of it. The serum ensures he will make a complete recovery but it can take days.”

Tears start to gather in Bucky’s eyes. How could he do that to Steve and not remember any of it? The serum would take days to heal which meant he had gone for the kill. Determined to take down Captain America and Iron Man.

His head snapped up. “What about Tony?”

“Stark is in a coma.” Bucky’s eyes widened. “There’s a chance he won’t wake up.”

“How long? How long has it been,” he could barely get the words out. “How long since I, since I attacked them.” 

“Two days.” Natasha turned. “We are to keep you here in the Hulk room until the World Council comes to a decision.” 

“Why don’t you just kill me?” Bucky muttered. “Get rid of the Winter Soldier for good.”

She didn’t answer him and Bucky fully expected not to receive an answer. However before she locked the door she turned back. 

“Because it’s not what they would want. The least you can do for them now is live.” 

 

~~~~~ 

The next day Bucky doesn’t even turn to look when the door opens. He’s racked with guilt and all he can think about it how he hurt the two people he thought he had cared for. 

Steve would heal but Tony was in a coma. A coma he might never wake from. 

“Bucky?” 

He flinched. The voice was scratchy and a little breathless but he would recognize it anywhere. Forcing himself to turn he came face to face with Steve. 

Steve was dressed in sweatpants and a loose fitting t-shirt. Bruises covered the left side of his face, Bucky didn’t want to think about what kind of damage he might have caused considering the bruises were still a dark purple. His right arm was in a sling but not a cast so it must be healing. When he shifted Bucky could see he was stiff, the skin probably still tender from his stab wounds. 

Bucky had realized he had tried to kill Steve but seeing him like this made him want to vomit. 

If Steve looked like this, even after three days with the super serum, what did Tony look like? 

“Bucky?” 

He scrambled back. At some point Steve had opened the glass cage and had approached him. 

“Steve, no, get back out. I could hurt you.” He glanced down at the sling. “I could hurt you again.” 

Steve narrowed his eyes before lowering himself to the ground to sit. 

Bucky moved further away but after a couple of inches he was stopped by the glass.

“Steve, i’m serious, get out.” 

“JARVIS detected unknown signals being emitted towards the tower.” 

“What?” 

Steve stared at him a moment before inching closer despite Bucky’s displeasure. 

“After Bruce took so readings and pinpointed where they were originating from. Turns out Hydra was sending the out the signals from a building nearby.” 

Did that mean-? No, he couldn’t get his hopes up. Not after he had caused so much damage already. 

Steve was now close enough to touch. 

“The signals they were sending out were a backup recall for the Winter Soldier. Everything you did was not your fault.” 

 

~~~~~

Bucky hesitantly entered the hospital room, Steve following slowly behind him. The curtains were drawn around the bed but Bucky could already hear the rhythmic beeping from the heart monitor and the slight whoosh of the ventilator. 

Four days had passed since Steve had visited him in his cell, telling him about Hydra sending the signals to his brain. Signals that had caused him to hurt those close to him. 

Steve’s arm was no longer in a sling and the bruises on his face had faded but the soldier still tensed when he moved to fast. The stabs wounds had healed but due to the amount of wounds and how deep, the skin and muscles were still tender. 

However none of this compared to Tony. Tony who was still in a coma. 

Bucky stared at the white curtains, unable to move. He needed to see Tony but at the same time he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing what he had done to the genius. 

Steve’s hand on his shoulder startled him. 

“We can try again another day.” 

Bucky shook his head. 

“I have to do this now, or I might never be able to. I—I owe that to Tony.” 

“He’s still alive.” Steve said, his voice stern as if reassuring himself along with Bucky. 

Bucky didn’t agree. Keeping his thoughts to himself he approached the curtains before taking a deep breathe and pulling them aside, not giving himself anytime to back away. 

Tony looked like how Bucky imagined most coma patients looked. Sleeping surrounded by tubes and machines, calm and peaceful. 

It wasn’t right. 

Tony never slept looking so calm. He always had some kind of facial expression, as if his brain kept working even though the body had stopped for a rest. This, the stillness was setting alarms off in his brain. 

Tony should never be this still. 

The mask of the ventilator was the only visible sign that Tony was still alive, the fogging of the mask proved that Tony was breathing, he needed assistance but he was still breathing. 

Dragging his eyes away from the ventilator Bucky glanced at the machines that kept track of brain waves and his heart beats, it all seemed normal to him. So why was Tony not waking up? 

“Does Bruce know why he hasn’t woken up yet?” Bucky’s voice cracked and he was sure Steve wouldn’t be able to hear him if it wasn’t for his superior hearing. 

“He barely managed to get into the suit before,” Steve paused as if unsure how to phrase the incident. 

“Before I attacked,” Bucky prompted. There was no hiding what he did, even if Hydra had been the cause he was still the one that had done the damage. 

Steve nodded not bothering to repeat the words himself. 

“We tried to restrain you at first but it was difficult. You were attacking to kill while we didn’t want to hurt you. At first Tony was our best shot, your knives weren’t strong enough to pierce the armor and he took the lead.” 

Steve lowered himself into one of the chairs next to the bed and reached out to hold Tony’s hand as if needing a reassurance that he was still there. 

“You had an EMP, one of the ones that Tony had created himself to take down the Iron Man suit if it was ever necessary. With the suit down it wasn’t hard for it to be thrown around. The helmet can only take so much and he was slammed into the wall over and over. Even after I intervened, once I was down, the suit had a chance of coming back online.” 

He paused and reached for Bucky without letting go of Tony’s hand. Reluctantly Bucky let Steve pull him closer, almost into his lap. 

“The soldier decided to make sure he was permanently down.” Bucky glanced at Tony. “It’s the head trauma that caused the coma.” 

“That’s what we assume.” 

The two super soldiers were immediately on alert, taking protective stances in front of Tony’s bed. 

Bruce raised his hands in a calming motion. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Surprisingly it didn’t take long for Bucky to drop his guard, granted it took longer than Steve but it was a comfort that he could control himself. 

“It’s not your fault.” Bruce walked over to the end of the bed picking up Tony’s chart and going over the latest results. 

“It is my fault, just because Hydra—”

“Bucky, stop.” Steve interrupted but he wasn’t looking at Bucky but Bruce. 

The normally calm scientist was holding tightly onto the clipboard, the metal edges already bending in and his eyes were closed as he tried to breathe slowly. 

“It’s not your fault because that is the last thing Tony said to me.” Bruce opened his eyes, the normally brown pupils now tinged green. “He made me promise that I would tell you and make sure you believe it. I don’t want him complaining that I didn’t do as I promised when he wakes up.” 

The two stayed quiet as Bruce hastily placed the chart back and headed out the door, his clenched fists and green tinged eyes the only signs of his weakening control. 

 

~~~~~

Two more weeks passed and Tony didn’t show any signs of waking up. 

Bucky came to sit in his room everyday. Each day when Bruce came to check Tony’s chart he told him it wasn’t his fault. 

Bucky didn’t believe him. The amount of Code Greens per week increased. 

Tony had been in a coma for a month when Bruce presented him with a report on the machine Hydra had used to mess with his mind. 

He never even opened the folder. 

Week five, Clint told Steve he overheard the doctors talking, they were losing hope on Tony ever waking up. 

Wasn’t long after that Bruce found out and Tony was transferred to the newly constructed medical wing in the tower. 

During the transfer is when Bucky finally saw Pepper for the first time since the incident. 

“Tony used to blame himself for things he had no control over. Don’t fall into the same habit.” 

Bucky didn’t bother trying to tell her that it was completely different. He had long since grown numb to everyone telling him it wasn’t his fault. 

Tony was nearing week eight of his coma when JARVIS finally informed the team of the Extremis Protocol. 

“Why didn’t you show us this earlier?” Steve managed the choke out after Bruce explained that the bio-virus could possibly heal Tony. 

“The protocol was only to be initiated after a specified amount of time. While Extremis may be able to save Sir’s life—.” 

“Extremis is untested.” Natasha cut in. “At least as far as SHIELD was concerned. No one has survived the injection.” 

“Tony must have altered it in someway,” Clint added voicing the desperation they were all feeling. “It’ll work for him.” 

Bruce shook his head as he continued to go over Tony’s notes. “He altered it but there is no way of knowing if it was enough for it to work. We don’t even have enough to test it. If we go through with this there will be no going back.” 

They took a week to decide. 

In a week, Steve destroyed every punch bag in the tower. 

Bruce performed every test he could without interfering with the small glowing orange vial of Extremis. 

Natasha tracked down every Hydra scientist she could, looking for answers. 

Clint spent hours upon hours in the shooting range. 

And Bucky, he spent every single hour at Tony’s side. 

While the team struggled with the fact that they could potentially kill Tony with this one decision. Bucky still struggled with the fact that he was the reason that the decision had to be made at all. 

He was a danger to everyone. As soon as Tony was all right, and he had to be alright he couldn’t deal with the alternative, then Bucky would disappear. 

The Winter Soldier had plenty of practice with hiding in the shadows. 

The one talent Bucky was glad Hydra had ingrained in his head. 

No one should have doubted what the team’s decision was going to be. 

They needed their teammate back. 

Tony was a genius, if he thought it would work, then goddammit it will work. 

On Friday night they all gathered in Tony’s room as Bruce filled the syringe. The orange glow of Extremis seeming that much brighter to those in the room, all hoping for it to work. 

With a nod from everyone on the team Bucky stared intently at Tony’s face as Bruce injected Extremis into Tony’s arm. 

And then they waited.

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat with me on [tumblr](towaneko.tumblr.com)


End file.
